Handyman Triple Play Special

At this point in the global economic crisis most everyone has heard the real estate horror stories. Entire city-block-sized condominium developments, freshly minted, primed with Gaggenau kitchens and loft-like contemporary floorplans, in which not a single unit has been sold. Grand homes in famous Westchester suburbs, on offer for hundreds of thou less than what would have been a laughable offer a year ago. With no takers, and nobody willing to lend money to any takers who might have the optimistic gall to show interest.

Even a high-roller like myself has been forced to lay off my in-house architect and suspend the plans for constructing my dream home in the Caribbean. For now the environmental insensitivity of my fourteen-thousand square-foot Italianate Villa and its marble fountain burbling away inside a triple-height foyer will just have to wait. But I still have my sights set on a getaway in the Antilles. Something "green." Luckily, Miss Lindsey and The Toothless Wonder of the Gowanus recently headed that way. They were kind enough to scout out a few options more in keeping with these difficult times, sending the following prospectus for our perusal:

"Livin' in the Sticks®" Breezy yet secure sustainable hilltop living includes flourishing patch of manioc and all necessary farm implements. Tiny carbon footprint. Get back-to-the-land in this one-of-a-kind handmade work of art. Amenities located just beyond the coconut tree.

"Recycler's Dream®" 100% patchwork stitch-and-glue home comes as shown here, battened down and ready for hurricane season. Green living at its simplest. A one-of-a-kind handmade work of art. Expansion possibilities limited only by your imagination and the supply of driftwood.

"Shinyman Estates®" Patented "Passive Solar Rejection" high-intensity electricity-free cladding-based air-conditioning system "wicks heat away" into the surrounding atmosphere. Stairs (not shown) included. "No-fuss" plumbing. Much more attractive than most post-modern buildings. Relaxed terms on this one-of-a-kind handmade work of art.